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God Loves the Ku Klux Klan, Part 2

03/31/2009 12:03 PM Filed in: Personal
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This is the second and final entry to a story that began last week and can be found at this link.

After presenting us with his grand theology of hatred, Mustache stared my wife down as if she’d slapped his baby. He stepped a little closer to us and I was afraid things were about to get ugly.

And then, like a light piercing the darkness, like a cool breeze on a scorching summery night, like a splash of milk on a dry Frosted Flake...it happened.

The Klansmen seemed to part and from behind stepped their leader: Big Beard.

Now I can only assume that in the Ku Klux Klan, your leadership is represented by the size of the mop attached to your face. And Big Beard had quite the mop: course grey and white hair that flowed a solid six inches past his chin.

He resembled an evil Santa Clause.

Apparently Big Beard was tiring of our shenanigans and wanted us gone. He finished up the explanation of their grand theology of hatred where Mustache had left off, going on about the abomination of the “mud people” and how whites are the only true descendants of Adam. He ripped the Jews as the Satanic offspring of Eve and the Serpent (no, I’m not making that up).

Finally, after a loud and great ending to his theological ramblings, he looked at us awaiting a response.

And that was when I started laughing. Hard.

I couldn’t help it; everything he said was so absolutely insane that I didn’t even know where to start. I quickly rebutted some of his idiotic statements and dispensed a little Bible trivia I thought would irritate him:

  1. Having studied Genesis, I know that the meaning of “Adam” is quite uncertain. Most scholars believe its meaning is related to “ground” or “earth.” Some believe it means “to be red.” But even if we go with the second meaning, drawing the conclusion that it points to one’s ability to blush is an absolute fallacy: the premise doesn’t prove the conclusion. If we take it at it’s literal meaning, “to be red,” Adam would have to be a Native American or a Teletubby.
  2. Moses’ wife Zipporah was probably black since she was a Cushite.
  3. It’s extremely likely that the Ethiopian Eunich in Acts was black: a man who Philip leads to Christ and then baptizes.
  4. Jesus was a Jew. Seriously.

Well it was at this point that they all started talking so loud we really couldn’t understand what they were saying anymore.

So more giggling ensued on our part.

After a few more minutes of discussion (and by that, I mean them yelling at us), we decided that we’d accomplished exactly what we set out to accomplish. Emily, Carnes, and I turned around and left the angry mob of Klansmen alone with their “God Hates Fags” protest signs. They were flaming mad.

Ironic, eh?

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God Loves the Ku Klux Klan, Part 1

03/28/2009 01:55 AM Filed in: Personal
crazy_and_proud
A while back (October of 2006 to be exact) I posted Part 1 of an interesting little thing that happened to me, my wife, and my friend Josh Carnes. I was reminded recently that I never actually finished that story, so I thought I’d republish Part 1 today and publish Part 2 (really...I’ll do it...honest) on Tuesday of next week. So for your reading pleasure, here’s the beginning of our little experience:

It’s not every day that I get to have an argument with a member of the Ku Klux Klan. And yet I found myself doing just that in downtown Chicago, surrounded by curious onlookers, my wife, my good friend Josh Carnes, and a cluster of homosexuals. But maybe I should back up a little bit…

Since our recent move to Chicago we’ve had quite a few family members and close friends come up to see us and to experience the city for the first time (it really is incredible). Slowly but surely Emily and I have begun to plan out our official “Chicago Tour” for company when they only have a couple of days to spend with us. Currently we have the “Nice” tour (for people who have money and are willing to buy our tickets since we don’t—mainly our parents) and the “Cheap” tour (usually consists of four hot dogs and watching a Cubs game in our apartment—mainly utilized by our other friends).

I knew Josh Carnes would love the Field Museum, so we headed that way. It’s close to Soldier Field, home of the Chicago Bears and a massive parking garage where we left the car for the day. On our short walk over to the museum from the stadium we saw a group of eight men standing on the corner of the sidewalk and holding signs with loving messages such as, “God Hates Fags,” and “‘I Apologize to Sodom’ -God.”

Now I had heard about a “church” from Kansas that did this on a regular basis and even had a website devoted to spreading their propaganda. So, naturally, I wanted to chat with these men and see what organization they were with.

I looked at Josh Carnes and asked, “Hey…wanna go talk to them?”

“You know you’re not going to change their minds, man,” he said.

I laughed. “I know…I’m not trying to change their minds. I just want to go poke the bull.”

And so we did... Read More...

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Vacation Time!

03/14/2009 04:04 PM Filed in: Personal
bears
I’m writing this exactly 18 hours from the time that Emily and I will be taking off for some much needed vacation time. We’ll be spending the week in 3 cities: Kansas City, St. Louis, and Chicago.

We’re excited about some time off and I’ll be posting pics and videos when we return. Hopefully this trip will be as much fun as our last big adventure.

Catch you guys in a week!

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Patrick the Crazy Guy

05/16/2008 12:00 AM Filed in: Personal
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Well, it's the first day of the road trip and we've already had an amazing day. First, off: Patrick the Crazy Guy.

As we boarded the Metra train to ride into Chicago and see Eddie Izzard perform, what appeared to be a kindly middle-aged man looked at my wife and said...

"HELLO, LOVE!!!"

To which my wife politely responded, "...well, hello."

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The man, who later identified himself as Patrick, and then Dan, and then Alfonso (maybe not...we can't remember the last one, but he just seems like an Alfonso), then proceeded to explain to us how he had improved his singing voice through diligent practice over the course of the last several years.

And then he sang for us. A whole song. Loudly.

His voice must have been really bad when he first started practicing.

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Driving: Dallas vs. Chicago

06/26/2006 02:24 PM Filed in: Humor
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I don’t even know where to start.  The differences between driving in Dallas and Chicago are too numerous to count.  In fact, I made a list of my favorites...


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*Greg Boyd *Derifter *Daring Fireball *Bob Hyatt *Evan Marshall *Phil Snider *Dan Kimball *Fake D.A. Carson *Lumpy Places


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