I can’t believe that I’m writing this, but I have to say that I’m severely disappointed.  As a matter of fact, the more I think about the film the more disappointed I realize I am.  I loved the Christopher Reeve movies of the 1970s and 80s.  Reeve will always be Superman to me.  That being said, I was more than hoping that Brandon Routh and director Bryan Singer would be able to create a fantastic film with updated visuals that would capture the imagination and keep the spirit of the original Superman films.

This movie sucks. It didn’t just suck when compared with great superhero movies like Spiderman I and II, Batman Begins, and The Incredibles (yeah, I like cartoons...sue me). It was a stinker when compared to second tier superhero movies like Punisher and Ghost Rider. The sad fact is that this movie had so much potential because of the resources that the studio put into it, yet Singer managed to produce a mediocre film that was in no way superior to The Fantastic Four or Daredevil.

For the record, here’s what happens. (Spoiler Alert):

Superman returns to Earth and crash lands in a field in Kansas, where his mom picks him up in a 1930s Ford Truck. He returns to Metropolis and resumes his life as a superhero. At this same time, Clark Kent gets his job back at the Daily Planet. Nobody seems to notice what a coincidence it is that Superman and Clark return at the same time. Back again at the Planet, Kent learns that Lois Lane is now an unmarried mother, living with the assumed father of her child. This is where the story really begins breaking down.

Lois now appears to be at least 10 years younger than Lois Lane was in Superman I. While all this is going on Lex Luthor returns to Superman’s Fortress of Solitude and steals a few crystals. These crystals are memory devices that contain the sum of all the scientific and cultural knowledge from Krypton; technology enough for him to take over the world. What does Lex do with these crystals that contain such a vast treasure trove of science and technology? He cuts a piece off and throws it in the water. And wouldn’t you know it? The crystal grows rock. So while a very pathetic Superman is preoccupied using his super-hearing and x-ray vision to spy on Lois and her new love, Lex hatches a plan to grow his own continent, a plan that will kill billions of people. He wraps the magic crystal in kryptonite to make his continent Superman proof. I won’t say any more, or spoil the ending (which also sucks).

As I said, the movie was mediocre. And most of it was boring. There are two good parts where Superman rescues a Jetliner that was damaged during a shuttle launch, and another where he foils a bank robbery committed by some heavily armed thieves. The rest was longing looks and heartfelt feelings.

My biggest complaints:

1. Lois Lane was played by a 22-year-old actress who could have easily passed for 16. She would have been a fine choice for a something like "American Pie: Pie Hole’s Revenge". The role of Lois Lane, however, requires a certain combination of intellectual maturity and spunk. This actress had neither. Let's face it, there's probably aren't any 20 something year old full reporters on the staff of the New York Times or Washington Post, let alone a 22-year-old veteran reporter with 7 or more years experience. For Kate Bosworth to play Lois Lane, we'd have to assume that she began her journalism career when she was 13. Watching her play Lois Lane was like watching a 15-year-old actor play Willy Loman in a high school production of Death of a Salesman. No matter how masterfully the 15 year old thespian performs, he's still a 15 year old playing the part. And Kate Bosworth wasn’t masterful; not that the script gave her much to work with.

2. Lois's son and her live in boyfriend (played by James Marsden, who played Cyclops in X-Men) were completely useless to the story line. Given the obvious youthfulness of Kate, her 5-year-old son meant that she must have been impregnated by Superman sometime between the homecoming and prom, and that's if she skipped a year. On top of that, she doesn't know who the father is. Just how soon after bedding Superman did she hop in the sack with Richard? I’m still trying to figure out what purpose Marsden’s character was supposed to have served in advancing the story. The best explanation I could come up with was Bryan Singer wanting to re-create the 3-way love triangle that worked in X-Men. He even went so far as to cast the same actor as the guy getting to watch his lover’s interest diverted by a cooler hero.

3. In the plot summary, I gave the general overview of the how Lex Luthor’s villainous plot. As I watched this unfold my first thought was, “Surely they’re not going to recycle Lex Luthor's scheme from Superman I.” But they did. Just to remind you, in the first Superman movie, Lex Luthor bought up a lot of worthless desert land, and then stole a nuclear bomb. His intentions were to use the bomb to set off an earthquake that would send most of California into the ocean, making his worthless desert into valuable coastline. In the new movie, Lex uses the crystals to grow a new continent, destroying America’s Eastern Seaboard in the process. All the writers did was switch coasts and substitute crystals for the nuclear bomb. $200 million and they couldn’t have come up with a plot device that hadn’t been used in Superman I? Here we see a director who cast one of America’s most talented actors to play the comic book universe’s most diabolical evil genius, and they basically wasted him on an inferior version of the plot from Superman I.

4. The script. I’ve already pointed out some glaring problems with the story. Had a would-be writer taken that story to DC comics hoping to get in published, it probably would have taken less than a day for it to have worked its way down to the dumpster behind the building. The story drifted away from what 60 years of writing had established about the character, and did so to produce a dull and lifeless movie. I tried to imagine why the studio gave the green light for Singer to film that particular script. The only explanation I could come up with was that they heard the clock ticking. The studio had already spent millions and million in pre-production, and wanted to get something spectacular into the theaters by summer. Maybe they hoped that the visual effects would make up for lack of a good script.

5. I just want to say one thing about Superman’s costume. Brian Singer went out of his way to make the X-men NOT look like superheroes in his two X-men films. In the comics, the X-men wear tights and masks. For the movie they wore what appeared to be leather motorcycle racing suits…black of course. Maybe Singer wanted to give superman a new look, and the studio wouldn’t let him. So the director made the changes he could get away with. He darkened the blue of Superman’s tights, and replaced the red boots and cape with maroon. Yes maroon. Now that’s heroic.

I will offer some complements to the action sequences, which were as good as any I've ever seen in a superhero movie (save for Spider-Man 2). Flight has always been a tricky thing for special effects, and an over-reliance on CGI can result in a cartoon phoniness that was evident in The Incredible Hulk movie. In Superman, the effects team really nailed it. The sequence with the jetliner and most of the action was made to look fluid and natural. Kevin Spacey did a good job with the role of Lex Luthor, despite a poor script. The only charisma on the screen came from him.


To be brief: the visuals are spectacular, but the spirit is dead.

I guess my main complaint is this: where’s the fun from the first four films?  Clark’s mannerisms were hilarious, Superman had a great sense of humor, and the films made you long to be like the Man of Steel.  The moral of Superman Returns seems to be that it stinks to be Superman.

The final minute of the film sums up the whole experience for me.  In the original Superman films, Christopher Reeve ends every movie by flying into space and zooming around the earth as the sun shines from just over the earth’s horizon.  At the last second he looks straight at the camera and flashes that big Christopher Reeve smile just before flying off.  That shot always brought a huge grin to my face.

In a tribute to the first films, Singer decides to end Superman Returns in the same way.  The shot is set up exactly the same.  Brandon Routh flies into space and zooms around the earth as the sun shines from just over the earth’s horizon...and then...

He flies off.  No smile for the camera.

Yep...that about sums it up.